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  Battlefield Of The Mind

It got me thinking, what's worst? Worrying about the future and not living today or, living today but not having the slightest worry about the future? 

It feels good to be back home - even if it is only for two weeks. I have been feeling pretty worn out, to be honest. Not due to anything specific, really // okay maybe it is due to something specific but I'm being in denial about it. Nevertheless, I do enjoy this amount of free time I have for myself. I'm taking this semester break as an opportunity to realign myself in terms of what I'm chasing after, reigniting my passion(s), and cleansing myself spiritually in preparation for Easter. I've been writing (and thinking) a lot.

It's nice to have a sense of familiarity once in a while - to remind yourself of who you are. I'm not saying I'm a different person being here in the west. But there's just something about being surrounded with the architecture, food, slang, and community I grew up with. I guess it emits this sort of security? Where you know you belong here.  

I've been very much blessed by God. I remember going weeks without a proper, 8 hour sleep - feeling numb most of the time. Flying back and forth from KL to KK. Through all of that, it's a miracle I managed to maintain a place in the dean's list. 

I was keeping myself busy in an attempt to forget everything and then started being oblivious about the future.  It got me thinking, what's worst? Worrying about the future and not living today or, living today but not having the slightest worry about the future? 

There were so many times where I was left confused with what was happening and then I'd go home and try to sleep. One afternoon, while I was busy doing house chores - I realized I was never in the position to question anything in the first place. Because no matter how hard it gets ; what with the comings and goings of the people I meet in my lifetime, I am suppose to feel. I am allowed to feel.

We have this built perception that living life to the fullest is all about being happy - but it's impossible. I am fine all the time. I am probably a master at that. But what is the point of living without feeling anything at all? We can't run away from our emotions and feelings as if we are non-emotive creatures.  I get so caught up with life, I tend to forget the reason behind my existence. We live to face up to whatever that may come in our way and if it is something negative, channel it into something positive. We live, because He lives.

It is after all, about the journey ; never about the prize. At the end of the day, you'll look back on the struggles you went through to get to where you are now. Is it not a breath of fresh air? To know that everything gets better in time? That we're constantly moving forward? Well, it is for me.

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
-Thomas Jefferson-

I go where He leads me.  


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