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21 days in to 2017 and I have felt the change I have craved for the many parts of last year. I am currently back in uni for my short semester and my timetable has been way too boring. Clearly, I've been so used to my uni's hectic arrangements that having two classes a week has left me a bit lost so, I took it to my advantage towards building a healthier lifestyle.
I was at my healthiest and happiest 3 years ago - and that was the year I was most productive as well! I was reading The Creative Fight and this phrase hit me down to the core, "Shame is filled with self-hatred, regret is rooted in love". I regretted neglecting my personal goals and aspirations in the expense for maintaining my high CGPA. But regret isn't necessarily a bad thing, it pushes you further into being someone you aspire to be.
My ability to grasp this idea has not only evolved my attitude and perspective, but it has honestly made me a happier person. Every day has been an adventure because I choose to explore the day. I have been working out, swimming, cooking healthier food, reading and writing on a daily basis now. It doesn't sound much but boy, I never had the time to do any of these before! I know, I know - I'm making excuses for myself and it happened because I gradually began to prioritise others' happiness instead of mine.
I'm really, really happy and I wish I can put it into better words than these. At this point of my life, I'd rather spend hours with people I care most about and who truly understand me rather than having small talks and gossips with those who crave for nothing more but false happiness. There are only so little true people out there, but I'm glad I found mine.
My best friend for one, has been with me through thick and thin. Sha has been a pretty highlighted name throughout this blog of mine (ya feel special please) but she deserves it because she's the best! We now walk on different paths but we always go back to each other for advices or to just have random and non-sensical conversations haha.
Most importantly, to my other half who has helped me grow through the highs and the lows. I don't write much about him but he is no stranger to my frequent photo uploads or snaps on Instagram and Snapchat. He is really the best thing God has given to me and I'm so so grateful for his existence. Thank you for making my dream of trying out Kung Fu Panda's chicken noodle soup come true!! Surprisingly, we make a good cooking duo because it tasted real good lol.
Life has never felt so good.
Out of spontaneity, I got a new hair 'do - a short one as a matter of fact. I've grown accustomed to my long hair and I suppose you can say that I've also grown very comfortable in the disguise of it. It wasn't something I pictured myself doing as I was always dying to grow my hair long again.
Quite a narcissistic opening to this entry? Well, sit back because it isn't - it's much more than that, it's about letting go of old ends.
I met up with the lowest of the lows but never the highest of the highs in 2016. My life is far from perfect, but still a comfortable one at that and am always grateful to God for His many blessings. In the midst of the lows and the highs, I created some sort of home I could go to whenever I needed comfort. But that home was never meant to stay. I grew somewhat numb towards the end of the year and made myself believe that there was nobody else there for me but myself.
The idea of being the only person in the world is the origin of loneliness to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I have many who love and care for me more than I could ever for myself. But at the end of the day, what really matters is that your emotional and mental state is intact with your spirituality. Every year is a step closer to growing my relationship with God and myself. It may not be an easy journey but it feeds my soul and pushes me into building a better version of myself.
So what does this have to do with my hair? Just as how I was comfortable with having long hair, I was just as comfortable with being "alone". It dawned on me that although it was an obvious act to cut off my dead ends for the past 6 months (don't bleach your hair, guys), I could never bring myself to the salon. I wanted to keep it so badly because everyone around me told me to, because everyone around me told me I looked better with it. In some sense, that applied to me being by myself. I just couldn't be bothered to get out of my comfort zone because I couldn't see the greener side of any end.
That act of cutting of my dead ends was as obvious as it is - I decided to get out of my comfort zone. I do not know what came onto me, but I'd like to think that God lifted off my burden the minute I was willing to let go of everything that was on my shoulders.
How am I supposed to start afresh in 2017 if I can't even let go of 4 inches of damaged ends? This is it, I'm saying goodbye to all my past experiences and pessimistic thoughts.
Hello to the new and improved me - aiming to welcome and embrace every opportunity and happiness that comes my way with the people that I truly love and care for. This is it...there's no turning back. This is the year to experience the highest of the highs. Let's do this.
In a world where we are constantly on, never off - it's hard to stay on track with your own set of thoughts and aspirations. Well, at least I am.
Most days when I am my motivated and optimistic self, I channel that energy into the people around me and my work. So it doesn't come to a surprise as to why my blog is filled with thought-provoking entries that are written out of complex thoughts. Unfortunately, I might just be a little low on that positive energy this week.
In lack of better words, I'm stuck - not education wise nor career wise. Rather, I am dumbfounded by the complexity of a human being's mind. I have spent over a year and half here in the west and I have observed the falling of basic human manners. My surroundings emit a sort of energy that allows selfish needs and intentions - and it is a constant cycle.
"Are people this egocentric?" is a question that has been floating about my mind for the past year. Don't get me wrong, people that I've met are beyond amazing but that does not account to self-centredness. Flaws are inevitable, but change is ever so welcoming. However, how do you welcome the change when oneself considers an act to be right when it is not?
I have watched friends fall into this culture of being deeply self-absorbed and I for one, refuse to. I strongly believe that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and values, and there is freedom of speech up to a certain extent. I am not one to stand still and watch things fall apart for the sake of my being - I will lend you a helping hand and I will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear. I have never doubted myself in my decisions of filtrating through toxicity in my life and I will continue to do so.
I personally feel that above all, be the better and bigger person with utmost sincerity- and good things will come to you.
It's time to take a step back
and enjoy solitude.
I am finally done with my second year in uni, and will soon further my studies in a more in-depth level as I progress to completing my degree in Communication. I have so much to write about, I'm not quite sure where to begin.
The past two years of living independently (excluding semester breaks when I'm back to being a couch potato in the comfort of my home and cuddly dogs), I have dealt with situations that may seem quite unbearable to do single-handedly. Last year was the lowest of my lows - and that was because I allowed it to be. And that's okay - grieving over my loved ones was an inevitable phase as well as fooling myself into believing it was a great loss of ending a couple of ties due to the level of toxicity present. Caring too much can be very painful, but nothing is as beautiful as knowing you have lived your life as a genuine human being.
No matter the situation, it is very liberating to know that God is with me in every step of the way. With all the complexities tangled within the heart and mind, it just takes a considerable amount of solitude to help one untangle the complications. When you are always clouded with the thought of maintaining your grades or building your career - you leave some of the simplest things in life unattended. When in times of difficulty, do not shy away from Him who welcomes with open arms.
Fast forward to the now, I am in the process of re-connecting with myself as I begin to embark on a new journey with my passion. I have always been inspired to express myself when in times of sadness, frustration, and confusion. It is a new sort of feeling to be inspired by such happiness I experience together with my person. I could probably write a whole page (or maybe more) of how thankful and blessed I am for the endless support and words of encouragement he gives.
I am still amazed at how life can be so incredible when things are laid under a different light.
Everyday is just as good as before, but even better.
Sometimes, we discover the beauty of simplicity -
stripping down to its purest form; where all things are as simple as it can be.
Take a breather, little one -
it is never too late to rediscover yourself.
I got a little too used to this strange process As if I could sense the difference in this morning's knock on my bedroom door, I calmly but quickly changed my clothes Quietly, I sat through the drive Subconsciously, I walked two times the speed of my average walking pace Surely, you'd still be there I couldn't make out why there were nurses all around you, I couldn't, until mom turned to me and held me tight.
Kung, you were humble, you were kind, you were loving, you were generous.
Kung, you're the biggest inspiration to everyone in this family.
Kung, you gave me more than I could ever ask for.
Kung, you shaped me to be the best that I can be.
Kung, thank you for seeing what I was capable of.
Kung, thank you for having faith in me.
But most of all,
Kung, thank you for showering me with unconditional love.
You know you're guilty of a long hiatus when your about me section states that you're two years younger than your actual age. It has been awhile.
It's 2016 - and I wanted write down a good first entry of the year. I had plenty of time to think over my journey through 2015 and it was undoubtedly the biggest life lesson God has ever given to me - in every aspect you can possibly think of. I barely got out of it in one piece - but I knew I'd survive through it all.
A little bird once asked me, if I was given the chance to travel back in time to recollect and reconstruct memories, would I have taken it in a heartbeat. First thought - yes?!1 But after an in-depth discussion - I stand firm on an absolute no. I believe that God has His plans perfectly laid out for us. What happens, happens for a reason. It is one of the most overused cliché's but I strongly presume it is true. Either way, life will play out the way it is supposed to.
Everything that took place in 2015 has drastically shaped my perspective on life and has rather played a part in my evolved personality and life values.
So, hello! 2016 is my year and I am adamant to make it that way. Just about two weeks ago, I reached the end of my 5th semester - which involved a 3 and a half month long internship. It was a definite privilege to be able to work alongside many talented and dedicated strategists in the social media industry. Blessed to have met such wise people that have taught me so much about the industry and life in general. Already missing waking up at 6AM for an hour long car ride with Ophie - filled with life talks as well as my daily lunch struggles with a colleague who claims ownership of the rapper name, n0m0neycalldaddy. I'm joking about the waking up at 6AM part.
I say this quite often here but I'll say it again because it is a blessing that deserves to be mentioned an infinite amount of times. Living about a thousand miles away from home is equally living a thousand miles away from my family. I am lucky enough to have met a few friends in the west that have filled my heart with an abundance of warmth and love.
My good friend, Rose and I had this sudden epiphany that we were best friends midway into a conversation of how we have been friends for 12 years HAHA. It never occurred to the both of us because we knew labels didn't stand a chance in defining our friendship. It goes without saying that Sha and Rose were my backbone during my lowest and my top supporters during my highest. I love them more than I love my chocolate bubble tea.
I was also fortunate enough to have met a really great person who is very different but also quite similar to me. He emulates this unique blend of a person that is filled with kindness and selflessness - which I am in extreme awe of. Not to mention, he is just as intrigued as I am with art in-depth art and movie discussions all day, errday. I always found it hard to believe in the whole "You will meet the right people when you least expect to" but here I am, vouching that it is quite possibly true.
As far as my fangirling journey goes - I have watched William Singe and 5 Seconds of Summer perform right before my eyes this year!!! No, three exclamation marks does not define the amount of happiness I have within me. It has been an amazing ride so far and I intend to keep the highs of my life as a tangible product just so I could relive it whenever I want to.
To make up for my long hiatus - here is a little of what went on in February :)
The greatest thing you'll learn is just to love and be loved in return.
Well, hello there.
I finally have the time to organize my thoughts after being occupied with assignments and club duties. It has been by far the toughest semester with my course itself. Some unfortunate and bizarre event happened and it caused a slight whirlwind.
I am definitely not the wisest person walking on today's earth, but I know a little thing or two about being a decent human being after (what can be described as) walking on hot coals.
I have been constantly keeping my mind occupied; so much so that I was able to overcloud all the distasteful memories. How much more heart-aching news can one handle? It's unaccountable, apparently.
Because it is called growing pains.
In one of the recent camps that I participated in, we had a "sugar cube" section whereby everyone was expected to write little notes to each other. Frankly, I didn't expect to receive anything above 5 letters but to my great surprise, I received tons of them. Majority mentioning how much they appreciate the positivity and energy that I bring to the table.
I crack up jokes and laugh my heart out during the day but it took every ounce of energy that I had in me to suppress all these disappointments and hurt that have been accumulated over the past few months. It was excruciating. I was a ticking time bomb and I knew that there would be a day where I'd just lose it all and explode.
Never once, did I have the slightest clue of it being in a form of a destructive friendship. The weight of seeing the person you trusted the most to have had multiple faces is just downright disappointing.
Goosebump-worthy news, it was. I broke off a one year friendship that I once cherished - truly thought it was sincere and full of hope. With the crazy amount of love that I have showered this friendship with, I could never bring myself to solve the equation as to how such tragedy struck over it. For over a month, I found myself drowned in thoughts with an unimaginable list of questions consistently being generated in my mind. It was a lot to take in. You see, when you have the chance to take a step back and see things in a totally different perspective, you would come to notice a lot of things.
Which brings me back to the title of this post.
Time does not heal all wounds, that is a lie. You heal your own wounds.
Living in a world with a population of over 7 billion, what are the chances of meeting new people who would treat you as how you would treat others? Endless. With every obstacle, comes a new path and I love where I am now. Though I am aware that nothing is constant, I do know that there will always be angels around me wherever I go. I may never understand why such events exist but I trust the plans that He has for me.
Time waits for no one and our wounds can only be stitched back together by our own will. Acceptance is the key to the lock - forgiveness. I do not see what had happened as a loss, I see it as an opportunity to experience how ugly a friendship can turn out to be and what life has to offer above all that. It has been a couple of months, and life is much calmer now. I am embracing change.
So here's something that I learned about being a decent human being.
Do what makes you happy but never in the expense of others. Seeing the people I love happy, makes me happy.
Despite being mentioned after everything else, do continue playing as victims.
Watch me as I breathe back to life.